This all starts in 1981 at a Roman Catholic Church in Camden, London, UK where I was an altar boy...I was a 10 years old, chubby with ginger hair and national health glasses (kinda like austin powers) but an ok kid, nothing fab. I lived with my mum and went to church with her and my grandma 3 times a week and was invited to the alter. Of course being Catholic it was a great honor for my mum and gran so of course I did it. It was fine for awhile until i got my friend ( David) in on it and we started to steal from the collection plates, sometimes 30 or 40 pounds a day. One day one of the priests caught me stealing and marched me into his study by the ear and went crazy at me and brought me to tears ( I was 10 remember). He told me that he was going to call the police and my gran and I was "in big trouble" and I nearly wet myself crying. He calmed me down and spoke to me about stealing and that my family would be very upset if I went to prison and he wouldn't want to do that to a nice family. He stroked my leg and near to my genitals but didn't touch there but I didn't respond badly to it, he stopped and sent me home.

The next day in service he was watching me like a hawk and  after he called me to his study. I was worried he was going to tell my mum and gran. I went in and he beckoned me to the sofa and he asked me questions about why I stole the money. I couldn't really give him a good as we spent the money on rubbish and gaming machines (they didn't care back then in london) so couldn't really lie. He put his hand in his pocket and took out 30-40 pounds ( I remember giving dave £10) and gave in to me, I asked him why and he rubbed my leg up to my genitals and rubbed too. I was shocked and tried to move but he pushed back so I just sat there while he rubbed me. I remember the sensation as it was nice even though I was shocked. I remember getting a semi and that made him put his hand in his trousers and I could see him playing with himself. He came quite quickly and sent me off with the money. I was a bit shocked I guess but it was a nice feeling and I think I may have had a wet dream that night.

I went to church the following day and again called in. I wasn't scared. I sat beside him and again he gave me money ( £60 I think but it was more than before). We spoke and he began to fondle me. This time he made me move down a bit so i was leaning back. He slid his hand into my pants and began touching me. He pulled his penis out, told me to watch him and masturbated until he came. He sent me away again. After a few weeks of being touched and masturbated he moved on to oral. He would always ask nicely. He would say nice things to me, give me money and buy me things. This sort of stuff happened often. I became a willing participant ( I now know this to be a  Stockholm syndrome of sorts ) and enjoyed the attention, the feelings and the money. This may sound shocking but I  guess thats how I coped.

Things progressed to full sex and I think that's where things started to go wrong. I stopped going to school. I started smoking hash (cannabis) and would hang around the west end of london with my friend dave and a few smokers. I had also started to commit petty crime and generally started to go off the rails. I was heading for trouble but i was becoming a "young man" as I had started puberty and was becoming more sexually active. I had started to notice girls (and boys) and lost my "virginity" to a 16 year old girl who I think was in care at the time. I continued to see the priest and was getting about £100 a day by now plus whatever we was stealing from phone boxes. We would by hash and booze and meet random people.

All the truancy from school and not going home got to the attention of my social worker and they started to get involved with my life. I went to a "special education unit" to help with my "problems" but was still seeing the priest, smoking hash and staying out late. I should say that this had now been going on for 3 years and I was a full teen and things had just got to much for everybody. It was decided that I should go away to a boarding school. I was not happy and probably went off the rails that bit more.

This is probably the hardest bit to talk to you about.

You know of Stockholm syndrome right? Well people who are abused sometimes develope feelings for their abuser. It mainly happens between girls and men but it also happens to boys. Well it happened to me. I was "in love" with him and the thought of not being able to see him made me sick. I didn't want to go and I put up a fight but in the end I had to go. I spent that last month with him daily. I told him I wanted to stay but he said that I had to go.............I went on to face more abuse there too but thats for the next blog.


This is the start of of me talking about being abused as right now I am at the beginning of trying to get justice for what happened to me. I know it will be hard but I have my children and I have the best friend and sister anyone could wish for and I know with them loving me the way they do I can get through anything.